Confusion

There are a lot of days that I just really feel lost, and like I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never really felt like I fit in, but there are times that I’m so sure that I was meant for a different generation or a different world that it’s painful to stay here where I am.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life. I’m confident that God has a purpose for me and that His will is greater than mine, but it’s hard to walk in faith sometimes. When you don’t see anything positive occurring, and it feels like the entire world is blowing up, it’s hard to stay focused on following the will of someone you’ve never even seen with your own two eyes.

But that’s faith, I guess.

I look up at the sky and look at all of the different ecosystems and biospheres that exist, and I’m amazed at how someone could believe that all of these things were created by an accident. That seems more magical and mystical to me than believing that someone knowingly and lovingly created the world we live in – placed exactly where it needed to be for survival, with everything necessary to sustain us in a way that is (mostly) renewable within itself. To think of the intricacies of the human anatomy and physiology, how everything is in sync (or should be). It’s crazy to me to think that could have occurred by accident. In nature, everything that has not been touched by human hands and humanity, things that remain unmarred by our existence – they are beautiful. They serve a purpose. How could this have happened by accident?

When I start to feel lost, going outside and marveling in the wonder of the natural world usually fixes it. But sometimes it doesn’t. Most of the time that is caused by my depression or anxiety, because no matter how much you can understand something logically, chemicals alter your mood so much more strongly than pure logic. This is unfortunate, but it is the way it is. I don’t believe all this crap that people tell other people (usually Christians) that if they loved Jesus enough they wouldn’t be depressed, because you would have joy and a “peace that passes understanding.” You can have peace and still be anxious. You can feel joy but still be depressed. These are not mutually exclusive ideas. Do not make someone question their faith because of a chemical disorder. Remind them that there is always tomorrow, and to not lose hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a purpose behind this crappy moment in time. Be light like Jesus tells you to be, jerkface. Don’t pull more darkness in.

I guess the point of this post is just this – as Christians, I believe that we are meant to believe in the purpose and the amazing creativity of our Creator. We are meant to be light to people who are in darkness, whether that be sin or depression. We are not meant to be cruel, to intentionally harm, or to be hateful towards people. If God is love, then remember that we are meant to intention our lives to being more like him. And he gives us an explicit definition of love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.”

I added the emphasis to the above verses. Sometimes I think Christians focus so much on what nonbelievers are that they forget to be what they were called to be. We are told to be like Christ, who is God. And God is love. Apply this definition to everyone you meet, and maybe more people will understand why we believe grace is so important, and the changes that can happen when you let God in your heart.

Although love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, it does not insist on its own way. I believe that the lost can be guided more with a gentle hand and a gentle word of encouragement than they can be with a whip and a list of rules so long and ridiculous it would take your entire life just to learn them.

I just know how I feel when I get lost sometimes. Just something to think about.

 

-P

15 Reasons Being Married is SO much better than dating

1.  I never have to be worried or concerned about who I am waking up next to. It’s the same beautiful, loving face I see every morning.
2. The one guy I always wanted/dreamed about/ hoped I could snag will be my #foreverdate to any event that I will ever attend. (Sorry ladies!)
3. He’s my #foreverboyfriend. And as of right now, 1 year in, we still act like/feel like we are dating. It’s all the great feelings without any of the worry about breaking up.
4. I can fight with him and not worry about him just walking out. It’s a lot harder to end a marriage than it is to just say, “I’m over this, bye.”
5. My best friend gets to watch me succeed (and fail) for the rest of my life, and is legally obligated to love me through it. (Lolz, sorry for the constant struggles and tears babe).
6. Nobody telling you what is “allowed” or “appropriate” for your relationship any more – you can officially become “one.”
7. Dating is exhausting, period. Long term relationships are where it’s at. No more mind games, no more guessing if he’s going to call me back or if he likes me.
8. My husband and I are figuring out the roles in our relationship – how we want to divvy up chores, who cooks more, who’s in charge of laundry, etc. And that’s something that will never change unless we decide to change it! No more constantly figuring out what’s ok to take charge of or what I should leave alone for him to take care of.
9. I have complete confidence that no matter what comes out of my mouth, he’s going to love me anyway. So even when I’m stupid, a jerk, or wonderful, he’s seen it all and still signed up for more.
10. The most exciting thing to think about is having a miniature Jon running around our house.
11. I’ve watched him grow up more in the past couple years than I’ve seen a lot of my other friends and guys I dated grow up in almost a decade.  And I’ve had an upfront and close view, passenger side ride in it all. It’s pretty cool.
12. #foreverboyfriend again. Remember, your relationship only gets old if you let it. We are really good about going on adventures and keeping things interesting, and we haven’t just gotten comfortable and settled yet! He still makes me feel like a big deal, I still tell him how hot he is and how much I love to tell people “I’m married to THAT hot guy.”
13. Right now, we don’t have kids and that’s just fine. We have two dogs that we’ve had for the past two years of our relationship that have grown up with us (we got one of them when he was just a puppy). I got to watch Jon go from the guy who thought animals were just animals without personalities, to becoming the guy that’s loving on his dog and treats him like he is his child! (Because, let’s face it, our fur-babies with four legs are our children right now).
14. When I want to do something, there’s nothing or anyone holding me back. He’s always down to be weird, geeky, nerdy, or adventurous with me.
15. I always have someone to go to the grocery store with me, and do laundry with me, and clean the apartment and dishes with. There’s something extraordinary about doing the ordinary things with the person who’s the love of your life. No searching, no trying to impress them, just doing gross things like cleaning the toilets, washing dirty socks and underwear, and washing petrified food of off plates with. Doing the “real life” things with him (aka adulating) is the best part of my life. We’re figuring it out and it’s pretty fun.

All in all, dating can be a really fun adventure! But it can also be exhausting and spike even more self-doubt than just a normal sad, questioning young adult trying to figure out what the crap is going on with life.

 

-P

This article is a part of the #ShareWhatMatters campaign, a movement dedicated to sharing positivity, gratitude, activism and the stories that really matter. Over the past couple years there has been a lot of media attention on sexual assaults on college Campuses. Stories from schools across the nation have made headlines. Documentaries like “the Hunting…

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Ruth 3

So… It’s been like two days since I read chapter 2 in Ruth, and I haven’t come back to it. Mostly because I’m lazy. I could blame it on work and say it’s been busy, but really I just haven’t  been in the right mindset to write this post. So, here we go.

I know this chapter has some controversy over the whole “Naomi telling Ruth to get all dressed up and lay at the feet of a man that was drinking wine” deal, but I’m just saying, there are other things to focus on and gain from this chapter… so…

The opening of this chapter is the conversation between Ruth and Naomi regarding the next step for the relationship of Boaz and Ruth. Naomi advises Ruth to go and seek Boaz after he has had his fill of wine and food, and after she has bathed and anointed herself and changed clothes. To me, this seems very much like a proposition. I definitely had a flashback to Noah passing out naked in his tent after having too much to drink earlier in the Old Testament. There are a lot of Biblical sayings and advisement a about the dangers of wine and drunkenness. But regardless, Naomi is advising Ruth to go and seek Boaz out, and whether with words or not, she is asking and actively seeking his hand in marriage and a relationship that would include more protection and covenantial background than Ruth simply working in his field. And Ruth, being a good and devoted daughter, follows Naomi’s instructions and goes to Boaz and lays at his feet. It even takes a while for him to notice that she is there! But whatever.

From the moment that he sees Ruth, he recognizes that she is seeking him out as a redeemer. She even quotes what he had referenced before about being under the wings of God’s protection, and uses it in reference to him! To me, this is a romantic play on words, and  shows us that she believes he (Boaz) was the answer to her prayers for redemption. Now, the redemption monologue tripped me up for a while. Saying that Boaz was “redeeming her” sent my stomach into knots, thinking that maybe it waas unhealthy, because we don’t need to think of our husbands as “redeemer so” because Jesus is our redeemer. But this was in the Old Testament. This is an Old Testament reflection of faith, before Jesus was even in their picture. Defining redeemed here would probably be in the alternate definition: gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment; or compensate for the faults or bad aspects of. So, he is redeeming her from her singleness. and from her inability to protect herself and care for herself. It may not seem to fit into modern day feminism, but it is what it is.
After Ruth quotes his words back to him, Boaz seems to soften up. He tells her that he recognizes that she is a worthy woman and her devotion to Naomi. He also recognizes that she is asking for a more substantial relationship and he is willing to make that happen to for her. He even tells her that he is going to take care of it soon, and to protect her reputation, he does not want anyone to know she was in the threshing floor with him, to keep rumors from spreading about her being promiscuous. There is so much protection from him, in every aspect of her life. It’s pretty amazing.

There’s another point to be made that when she came home to Naomi with so much barley, Naomi told her not to worry, because she knew that the matter would be sorted out that day. So he’s protective, productive, and a man of integrity and Godliness. What else could you ask for?

Besides having a wonderful base and example of a successful Godly relationship and love, there’s also another deeper meaning to this story. Naomi trusts that Boaz will respond appropriately when Ruth lies herself prostrate in front of him, asking for redemption. She has faith that what Ruth needs will be fulfilled if she approaches him and asks for it. There’s a great lesson in that. Jesus even said, “Seek me and you will find me., when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13). He again says, “anything you ask for in my name shall be given to you.”

“What you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in his Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. ” John 14:13-14.

So, to me this is a great lesson. Ask for it in Jesus’s name! Seek him with your whole heart on your sleeve, and that’s when you will find him. It worked for Ruth!

So my major take-away from this chapter is simply that. You never know what blessings you can get from God if you don’t ask. If they don’t happen, you know that it’s for his glory and the betterment of His kingdom.. but what if they DO?

What would you ask for from Jesus if you knew there was no limit to what you could get? What would you attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail?

These are the types of questions I’m focusing on for now. I know there are some clichés about them, but it’s honestly just good old truth. #truthbomb

 

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Short Thoughts on Ruth 2

So, Ruth 2 is all about the meeting between Ruth and Boaz. From the moment we see Boaz in verse 4, he is speaking the Lord’s praises and encouraging his servants in a Godly manner. The first words we hear (or see) him say are: “The Lord be with you!” That says a lot to me. This says to me that the most important take-away that we have of Boaz is that he is a Godly man who loves the Lord.

As we go further through the chapter, we see that not only is he a man of God, but he is very concerned with the welfare of his servants and of Ruth. Ruth sets herself apart from the other servants by her diligent work. It is very similar to that of the Proverbs 31 woman – here it says that she “has continued from early morning until now, except for a short rest.” Ruth knew that she needed to be very appreciative of the opportunity that she was given, and she takes full advantage of it by working hard. She is also unafraid of hard work – she is out in the fields gleaning the barley that is left over from the “reapers.” When Boaz finds out who she is, he tells her to stay only in his field from now on, so that she will not have to worry about being assaulted by other workers, because she is protected in his field. That’s a pretty great introduction!

Ruth’s reaction to his caring nature is sweet – in verse 10 she “fell on her face, bowing to the ground, and said to him, ‘Why have I found favor in your eyes, that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?'” This really reminds me of David in Psalm 8:4, and Job in 7:17. There is also a similarity between what she says and what Moses said to God when he was given the task of leading the Israelites out of slavery – “Who am I that they will take notice of me?” In Exodus 3:11 he says: But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” This idea of “Who am I?” really struck a cord with me. It’s important along with the ideas from the previous chapter.

Boaz also makes a reference in verse 12 to “the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!” and this is just another way to show that he loved the Lord. This is seen all throughout the Psalms – David loved to use this metaphor. (Psalm 91:4) Boaz then invites Ruth to the table to share a meal and to eat until she is full. He gives her wine from his table. He is just all around taking care of her already, and he doesn’t have any relation to her other than her mother-in-law is part of his family. That’s a generous man! Then, if that wasn’t enough, he told his reapers to intentionally leave out bundles of barley for her to collect so that she would have more to take home with her! Just over and over again we see that he is already giving her so much and already so protective of her, and they have no relationship. It’s a great start to a wonderful relationship, and it’s also an amazing analogy to the love that God has for us. Without having anything to offer Him, He cares for us and makes us a part of His family with His generosity and protection. It’s pretty wonderful!

Short Thoughts on Ruth 1

So, after seeing a lot of my friends and Instacquaintances (yes I just made that word up, cool) post about how they are reading through Ruth, I decided maybe I would join the bandwagon a little late and do my own little read through/study.

Tonight I did just Chapter 1, and I’m planning (hopefully) to continue over the next 3 days to finish the book, since it only has 4 chapters.

I started out reading it and was just kinda, “Oh, okay, so her [Naomi] life was really sad… her husband and her sons died in an unknown amount of time and she was left with no family… alright.” But then, I decided to really think through some of the passages, and I found some pretty interesting thoughts I thought I would share.

Although Naomi has a tendency to be very sad and bitter (more on that in a minute), she does encourage her daughter in laws to become their own people again. She encourages them in verses 8-14 to leave her and return to their own people and families, but she does it in a “my life is so terrible, you don’t want to be around me, I have nothing to offer you” type of way, but she still does encourage them to pursue their own lives again, and not be afraid to seek new husbands. And one of the daughters does choose to do this – Orpah. This is the only thing we know about her. But as for Ruth, she not only wept with her mother in law, she shows her love and dedication to this woman by refusing to leave her side.

Probably the most famous verse (or group of verses) from the entire book happen in the first chapter, Ruth 1: 16-17, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me to you.”

What’s interesting to me is that this verse is now used at weddings. This is a verse that shows and explicates true, selfless, Jesus-like love for a woman that wasn’t her flesh and blood, but she became her adoptive family when she married Naomi’s son. This is really similar to the adoption analogy that is seen in many parts of the gospels. I love the fact that although this can be used to describe the selfless love that we are expected to have in marriage, but it really is more about selflessly loving the family and body of Christ.

Later in this same chapter, we see these two women journey back to Ruth’s homeland – Bethlehem – and upon their return, Naomi tells everyone that knew her to call her by Mara, not Naomi. This is because she believes that her life has been made bitter by the Lord. Naomi means “pleasant” while Mara means “bitter” interestingly enough.

This point didn’t seem very important to me at first. Yeah, she changed her name because she felt that her life was horrible, but so what? The importance in this is not just the name change, but the idea behind it. Her entire identity was now defined by that loss. The loss of her husband and her sons defined her entire being to the point that she felt the need to be renamed in a way that she felt portrayed her personality. She did not feel bitter about her life. She WAS bitter. That’s a scary thought.

 

I know I have a tendency to be defined by things that are happening in my life. I am depression, I am anxiety, I am failure; instead of seeing things how they are. I may feel depressed, I may feel anxious, I may feel failure if I don’t succeed the way I want, but I am not those things. I am choosing now to no longer be defined by those things and instead to let them be what they are:  conditions, shapes, states of my life that change every second. Why be defined by something that will be different tomorrow? Instead, I’m choosing now to be defined by what I know will not change: my status in God’s kingdom. I am His child, His beloved, and I’m ready to start being defined by that. There’s so much freedom when I live that way. It’s time to embrace it.