There are days when I wonder why I got married. I’m talking about the true, gut-dropping, terrifying feeling of “what have I done?” These days are horrible, and thankfully they don’t come very often.
Jon and I have fights. A lot of them. Being married for less than a year, spending half of the week every week apart is not doing our marriage any favors. No, we don’t have an abusive relationship, and no, I’m not disappointed in who he’s turned out to be or how our life is turning out. But there are times where I’m alone again at our house, dealing with our very large dogs who are going crazy or who have peed in the house, and I wonder if maybe I should have thought a little more about this decision.
The devil likes to whisper things in my ear when I’m vulnerable – things like “This sure isn’t a fairytale.” “You weren’t ready for this, and he wasn’t ready for this. What were you thinking?” Along with the assorted, “You know why you’re alone, don’t you? This is what it’s going to be like for the rest of your life” type thoughts which are honestly the worst.
I have a lot of moments where I’m terrified that I’m not making the right decision, or that I’ve made poor choices, or that I’m ruining my marriage by being myself. Insecurity and doubt are my two worst struggles, they always have been. But at the same time, as soon as Jon gets home, most of those insecurities, and the doubts, and the fear goes away. Sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s ok.
When evaluating our marriage, I have found that it’s important to focus on what we do have. What I have learned. I have learned that my life and our life is so much better when I surrender it to Jesus, and not try to man-handle it into submission (which is my instinct). I’ve learned that over the past eight months, God has continued to bless us with just what we need, when we need it. It reminds me of the widow in 2 Kings 4, who had only oil in the house, and not very much at that. Elisha stepped in, and once again a miracle happened (one of his 28):
5 She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6 When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.
The oil did not stop flowing until every jar was full. That’s exactly how my life has been. We have been hurting for money or for resources, and yet we will somehow always have enough for what we need. And for right now, that’s enough.
I also know that my life is not the worst it could be. But honestly, struggle is struggle, and people shouldn’t minimize someone’s hurt or struggle by comparing it to someone else’s. I have a wonderful husband who is constantly growing and that I’ve gotten to watch grow up right before my eyes. I have in laws that consistently will do anything and everything in their power to make our lives better and easier. I have two sweet furbabies who love everything about me and Jon, even when they are getting on my nerves. I’ve been blessed beyond measure. Today, I’m choosing to rest in the good things instead of focusing on the bad things.
1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”