The past few months have honestly been nothing short of a nightmare. It’s been one thing after another, literally, and it’s been an awful experience to try and get through.
For starters, I got kicked out of my house at the beginning of March. Yep. Kicked out. By the same woman who had been gushing about how wonderful of a tenant I was, because I was doing renovation work on the house while I was living there, and I was quiet. It’s not likest he I have a lot of time to go crazy, considering I work anywhere from 60-80 hours a week. Who knows.
Anyway, she decided that she no longer wanted me to be in her house because my dogs are part pit bull, and they kept getting out of my yard. Now granted, I understand not wanting dogs to roam around the property freely, but they weren’t hurting anything, my yard isn’t fenced in, and they were playing with her dog, who came into my yard and just beckoned them to run away into the wild blue yonder.
So anyway, I had exactly 14 days to move out, and find somewhere else to live. And due to the fact that it’s APRIL, it was a little difficult to find somewhere to go, since most leases don’t start until June or August here. But I ended up finding this awesome old farmhouse to live in, but it’s extremely expensive and I’m probably going to be living on ramen noodles for the next year. But that’s ok.
Well anyway, with this farmhouse the owner is extremely picky about the tenants. I’m talking like, background check, 1 hour phone conversation, references, the works. AND that poor lady’s husband had just had a complicated hip replacement that had all kinds of secondary problems (one of which included a femur break). So she wasn’t exactly on top of things. It took almost 3 weeks just to hear back from her, so there was about a two week period where I was literally homeless. But that’s ok.. I’m making it through.
Meanwhile, in my family, my sister found out that she has a rare form of ulnar nerve compression and will have to have it surgically repaired, which means no softball during the summer.
On top of that, my granddad is having a hip replacement. Talk about nervous, considering what my future landlady’s husband is going through!
Then, both my laptop and my phone both became dysfunctional. Coffee was spilled on my laptop, which clearly killed it. And my phone just stopped being able to find service. So I had to replace both of those things. But I will say, my parents came through for me on the laptop sitch. They ended up buying me one for my birthday and giving it to me early. Thank the good Lord Jesus.
Throughout all this mess, I felt like God was just really leading my heart to re-read Job. I’ve read the book about 27,000 times, but I just couldn’t help but start it again. And immediately, my hurt and my heartache and most of all my frustration all seemed to dissipate when reading the words of Job’s anguish. It was just nice to have my feelings validated. Even though I know Job almost by heart, reading those words has been one of the greatest comforts to me during these past few weeks full of trials. God seems to be working on reminding me of his ever-present presence, and that He is the Provider, and I need to let him live up to his name. God provides, ya’ll. He really does. You’ve just have to have extreme patience sometimes to see his wonderful Providence. Throughout this past week, during my down moments and the moments where I’ve just wanted to throw in the towel and quit my job and crawl into my nonexistant bed and just never wake up again, he’s been quietly reminding me that He is not only present, but he is providing for me. He is paving my way, and it’s simply my job to keep my eyes gazing towards him in order to see where he’s leading.
There are many days where I find that I have to constantly remind myself that HE WILL PROVIDE. I may have to say it almost every minute of every hour. But when I remind myself of that, and choose to ruminate on the truth that he is going to provide and he is providing for me, I find that my anxiety is calmed and my worries cease. It’s an absolute feeling of complete freedom that stems from that simple sentence. HE WILL PROVIDE. HE WILL PROVIDE. It’s not up to me to make things work. What God has willed is what I should be chasing. And ultimately, that has become my goal. Walking in complete faith is not easy. During the past 3-4 years of my life, there have been so many moments where I have been either in the complete dark about what is going on, or having no idea of what the next step would be, and being in complete limbo. In those moments, I truly believe that God has been teaching me to lean on his grace, on his wisdom, on his divine providence, on his promises, on everything the Bible says that he will do. You have to choose to walk in faith. You have to choose to take up your cross and bear the weight of the world. You have to choose God over the world. And none of those are easy options. Walking blind feels a lot like jumping off a cliff and just hoping that what you think is down there will be down there to catch you. But you have to do it.
Because otherwise, your growth will be as big as the step you take in blind faith. Nonexistent.